And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
