So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
