anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
