someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
