I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
