I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
