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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.

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• (212): View more from New York

  Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK

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• (813): View more from Florida

  Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.

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• (317): View more from Indiana

  that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.

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• (208): View more from Idaho

  This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.

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• (604): View more from British Columbia

  I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment

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• (562): View more from California

  I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

  (714): View more from California

  Whatever it is you failed

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.

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• (585): View more from New York

  The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.

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• (631): View more from New York

  I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"

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• (602): View more from Arizona

  I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...

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