I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
