guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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