The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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