I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
