i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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