Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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