I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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