I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
