Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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