After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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