If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
