I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
