**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
