your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
