Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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