This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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