if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
