I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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