so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
