so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
