I cannot find my penis.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
