i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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