Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
