I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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