Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
