Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
