I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
