Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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