Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
