final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
