we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
