i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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