I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm bleeding and have questions
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
