i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need a beard to bite.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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