Someone shit on the floor
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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