someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
