Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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