It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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