Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
