I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
