I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
