I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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