I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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